so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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