you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
