I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The air taste purple.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
