it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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