Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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