I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
