glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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