last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
