So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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