There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
