Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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