If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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