Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
