Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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