I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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