It's Friday. Sex?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
