Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
