Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
