so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
