i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
