Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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