Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
