I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
