so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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