Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
