Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
