my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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