Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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