I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
