i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
