if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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