I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
