You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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