Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
