I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
