Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Where is the hickey?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
