Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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