I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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