I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
