I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
