I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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