I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
