ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
