We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
