'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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