this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
