So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
