tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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