I wish I only lived at night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
