I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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